I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
