I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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