I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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