Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
