matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
