i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
