My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
