I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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