Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
