The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
