she looked like the before picture.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
