dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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