East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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