We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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