I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
