you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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