I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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