Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
