So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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