Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
