I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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