Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
