Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
