i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
