I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
