My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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