I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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