Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
