I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I want her autograph on my taint
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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