Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
