My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
