All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
