i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
