I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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