dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
