I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
