I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Alive.
So much puke
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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