You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
