At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
