what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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