literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
