420 ftw
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
