these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
