my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
