Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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