can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
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My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
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His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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