omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
and she was petting her beer can
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
