Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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