FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
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Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
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For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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