Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
