He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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