the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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