The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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