Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize